Spring Romance
Said pillowcase to tablecloth,
"Will you marry me?"
Said tablecloth to pillowcase,
"That will never be."
"Winestains and breadcrumbs
Are my lot in life.
While yours is dreams and tears.
We serve two different purposes;
People eat and cry."
Said pillowcase to tablecloth,
"But that's exactly why!
I'll meet you on the clothesline,
Where we will share the sky."
Monday, March 27, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Heir Rites
One of my New York City friends and her husband received a good piece of luck several years ago, making them rather wealthy. For many years they owned a small building. One fine day a developer bought the property next to their building, upon which he wanted to build a very tall building. To build the very tall building, the developer had to buy air rights from them. Which he did. For big bucks. So my friend is now an "airess." And her husband is now an "air." They did not let their wealth go to their heads, so they are not "airheads."
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Earth to Savta: A Meme from Jo Spanglemonkey (Updated*)
There I was on Cloud Nine, floating home from absolutely the most amazing, gorgeous, beautiful production of the most amazing, gorgeous, beautiful opera (Der Rosenkavelier), thinking how on earth to convey the splendor in words, humming all the parts of the final trio together, including the orchestra, as one can do only in one's mind, when Jo Spanglemonkey, fearlessly crossing the Generation Gap, tagged me onto another cloud. [Pop quiz: How many commas were in that sentence?] Ordinarily I would find a 40-question meme off-putting, but for my buddy Jo I'll do just about anything. You see she has to live in California, poor thing. And ferry her children around all day, health pemitting, which it wasn't last month. When it comes to blogging, Jo is from the More Is More school of esthetics. And she delivers both quantity and quality, a rare combination. She is right now bravely and honestly documenting a painful personal journey, and reading her blog can/will save lives!
So here goes:
1) Who is the last person you high-fived?
My nine-year-old grandniece.
2) If you were drafted into a war, would you survive.
Certainly not. Any army that needs to draft women my age is doomed.
3) Do you sleep with the TV on?
No. Is it relevant that I no longer have TV?
4) Have you ever drank [sic] milk straight out of the carton?
No.
5) Have you ever won a spelling bee
No. I don't think I've ever competed in a spelling bee, so I've never lost one either.
6) Have you ever been stung by a bee
Yes. Although it might have been a wasp. In my foot. A couple of years ago.
7) How fast can you type
Pretty fast. And I used to know how to write shorthand too. Gregg.
8) Are you afraid of the dark?
No, unless I'm in an unfamiliar place and worried about falling down.
9) Eye color
Brown.
10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?
This is really sad: I don't remember.
11) When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
About a week ago.
12) Do you knock on wood?
Very often. Tfu, tfu, tfu.
13) Do you floss daily?
Absolutely not.
15) Can you hula hoop?
I haven't tried lately, but I think I could!
16) Are you good at keeping secrets?
Yes.
17) What do you want for Christmas?
Everything on my Amazon Wish List.
18) Do you know the Muffin Man?
Oh yes I know the Muffin Man. He lives in Drury Lane. I also know the Quiche Man. He lives near rehov Bloch, much more convenient.
19) Do you talk in your sleep?
I don't know.
20) Who wrote the book of love?
Ovid Hugo von Hofmannsthal, the librettist for Der Rosenkavelier. And Richard Strauss wrote the music.
21) Have you ever flown a kite?
Yes. It fell down. They all did.
22) Do you wish on your fallen lashes?
No.
23) Do you consider yourself successful?
Yes.
24) How many people are on your contact list of your cell?
118. But some of them I haven't called in years. I am a pack rat in every way.
25) Have you ever asked for a pony?
No.
26) Plans for tomorrow?
Get a special form from my HMO so I can have a free bone density test. Get a form from the motor vehicle bureau replacing the one I lost, for an eye test so I can renew my drivers' license. Both these errands have to be done in person. You see, it's not all sequins and tomatoes here in sunny Tel Aviv.
27) Can you juggle?
No.
28) Missing someone now?
Yes. You know who you are.
29) when was the last time you told someone I Love You?
Ten minutes ago.
30) And truly meant it?
Ten minutes ago.
31) how often do you drink
About once every six weeks, assuming the question is about alcohol. Just to see if it won't make me sleepy, but it always does.
32) How are you feeling today?
Excellent.
33) what do you say too much?
"I don't know" (see answer 19, for example).
34) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
No. I was once kept after school (4th grade) for talking too much in class.
35) What are you looking forward to?
Next Friday's Soup Salon (in my kitchen)
36) Have you ever crawled through a window?
No. We always seemed to have casement windows.
37) Have you ever eaten dog food?
About a year ago my nephew-in-law (not really, but something like that) persuaded me to bake No More Bad Breath Dog Biscuits, for the amusement of his daughters during a visit. The recipe included, among other things, charcoal powder (available at the nearby health food store) and parsley. We all (including the dog) tried them and felt the same: not very good. But they did work. For an hour.
38) Can you handle the truth?
Yes, depending on the method of presentation.
39) Do you like green eggs and ham?
I never had green eggs, so I don't know (see answer to 33 above).
40) Any cool scars?
Only on my heart and my psyche, but those are hot scars.
*UPDATE: Forgot to tag people. Tamar, you reminded me so you're tagged! Noorster, you went away, so you're tagged! (I know, you're coming back, but that doesn't matter.) Udge, you're in a funk, so you're tagged!
So here goes:
1) Who is the last person you high-fived?
My nine-year-old grandniece.
2) If you were drafted into a war, would you survive.
Certainly not. Any army that needs to draft women my age is doomed.
3) Do you sleep with the TV on?
No. Is it relevant that I no longer have TV?
4) Have you ever drank [sic] milk straight out of the carton?
No.
5) Have you ever won a spelling bee
No. I don't think I've ever competed in a spelling bee, so I've never lost one either.
6) Have you ever been stung by a bee
Yes. Although it might have been a wasp. In my foot. A couple of years ago.
7) How fast can you type
Pretty fast. And I used to know how to write shorthand too. Gregg.
8) Are you afraid of the dark?
No, unless I'm in an unfamiliar place and worried about falling down.
9) Eye color
Brown.
10) Have you ever made out at a drive-in?
This is really sad: I don't remember.
11) When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
About a week ago.
12) Do you knock on wood?
Very often. Tfu, tfu, tfu.
13) Do you floss daily?
Absolutely not.
15) Can you hula hoop?
I haven't tried lately, but I think I could!
16) Are you good at keeping secrets?
Yes.
17) What do you want for Christmas?
Everything on my Amazon Wish List.
18) Do you know the Muffin Man?
Oh yes I know the Muffin Man. He lives in Drury Lane. I also know the Quiche Man. He lives near rehov Bloch, much more convenient.
19) Do you talk in your sleep?
I don't know.
20) Who wrote the book of love?
21) Have you ever flown a kite?
Yes. It fell down. They all did.
22) Do you wish on your fallen lashes?
No.
23) Do you consider yourself successful?
Yes.
24) How many people are on your contact list of your cell?
118. But some of them I haven't called in years. I am a pack rat in every way.
25) Have you ever asked for a pony?
No.
26) Plans for tomorrow?
Get a special form from my HMO so I can have a free bone density test. Get a form from the motor vehicle bureau replacing the one I lost, for an eye test so I can renew my drivers' license. Both these errands have to be done in person. You see, it's not all sequins and tomatoes here in sunny Tel Aviv.
27) Can you juggle?
No.
28) Missing someone now?
Yes. You know who you are.
29) when was the last time you told someone I Love You?
Ten minutes ago.
30) And truly meant it?
Ten minutes ago.
31) how often do you drink
About once every six weeks, assuming the question is about alcohol. Just to see if it won't make me sleepy, but it always does.
32) How are you feeling today?
Excellent.
33) what do you say too much?
"I don't know" (see answer 19, for example).
34) Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
No. I was once kept after school (4th grade) for talking too much in class.
35) What are you looking forward to?
Next Friday's Soup Salon (in my kitchen)
36) Have you ever crawled through a window?
No. We always seemed to have casement windows.
37) Have you ever eaten dog food?
About a year ago my nephew-in-law (not really, but something like that) persuaded me to bake No More Bad Breath Dog Biscuits, for the amusement of his daughters during a visit. The recipe included, among other things, charcoal powder (available at the nearby health food store) and parsley. We all (including the dog) tried them and felt the same: not very good. But they did work. For an hour.
38) Can you handle the truth?
Yes, depending on the method of presentation.
39) Do you like green eggs and ham?
I never had green eggs, so I don't know (see answer to 33 above).
40) Any cool scars?
Only on my heart and my psyche, but those are hot scars.
*UPDATE: Forgot to tag people. Tamar, you reminded me so you're tagged! Noorster, you went away, so you're tagged! (I know, you're coming back, but that doesn't matter.) Udge, you're in a funk, so you're tagged!
Friday, March 17, 2006
Art Buchwald Knows How to Die Live
Thanks to Claude at Blogging in Paris.
Take note everyone: this is how I want to die.
Except maybe with a lifetime blogger's award instead of newspaper columnists', but once you read the article, you'll get the idea. Hurray for hospice!
Take note everyone: this is how I want to die.
Except maybe with a lifetime blogger's award instead of newspaper columnists', but once you read the article, you'll get the idea. Hurray for hospice!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Oy America, What Has Become of You?
Many Israelis travel "abroad" for a change of scenery and a break from the "situation." It's such a small country and some destinations (e.g. Turkey) can be as cheap as a weekend jaunt from California to Las Vegas. The USA as a tourist site has the most cachet, but for me, until now, it was simply a revisit to my first home. I usually make an annual trip to see my children, grandchildren, brother, and various other family members.
The past couple of years I began to feel like a visitor/tourist, complete with camera. What has changed? As I adapt to life in Israel, each year my angle of vision moves a few degrees further away from where it started. But the target is moving too. Here are a few symptoms:
There are more fat people in airports. Once I get where I'm going, they disappear, so I conclude that either they hang out in airports a lot, or they don't go where I'm going once we land. Does my family favor thin neighborhoods?
Everything is bigger. Maybe that's to accommodate the fatter people. Or maybe the people are getting larger to accommodate the bigger merchandise. For example, kitchen utensils.
The photo shows two potato peelers: the new one that I bought on a recent visit to the USA, next to my old one, which was actually imported to the USA from Germany about 20 years ago and still works. It has a little protrusion for removing the potato eyes. The new one has a non-functional protrusion, and was probably made in China. It has a humongous handle, with a little chain for hanging it up on a hook. I keep my potato peelers in a small drawer. My hand is roughly the same size it was 20 years ago. If I were to replace all my kitchen equipment, I would need a larger kitchen to store the larger utensils. Is that the point of the bigger and bigger MacMansions? More space for bigger stuff? Because it can't be for bigger families; families living together are smaller nowadays. Old parents and unmarried aunties and uncles are shipping off to retirement housing with rooms directly proportional to their retirement income, so these larger family homes simply provide more living space for fewer occupants. This allows each younger person living en famille to be more isolated separated from the others in their own homes, without having to go outside and encounter - God forbid - a Stranger!
On a more positive note, my favorite line from this visit was spoken by Pippi Bluestocking, my beloved Florida daughter-in-law, introducing me again to Little Bear, my beloved 19-month-old Florida granddaughter:
The past couple of years I began to feel like a visitor/tourist, complete with camera. What has changed? As I adapt to life in Israel, each year my angle of vision moves a few degrees further away from where it started. But the target is moving too. Here are a few symptoms:
There are more fat people in airports. Once I get where I'm going, they disappear, so I conclude that either they hang out in airports a lot, or they don't go where I'm going once we land. Does my family favor thin neighborhoods?
Everything is bigger. Maybe that's to accommodate the fatter people. Or maybe the people are getting larger to accommodate the bigger merchandise. For example, kitchen utensils.
The photo shows two potato peelers: the new one that I bought on a recent visit to the USA, next to my old one, which was actually imported to the USA from Germany about 20 years ago and still works. It has a little protrusion for removing the potato eyes. The new one has a non-functional protrusion, and was probably made in China. It has a humongous handle, with a little chain for hanging it up on a hook. I keep my potato peelers in a small drawer. My hand is roughly the same size it was 20 years ago. If I were to replace all my kitchen equipment, I would need a larger kitchen to store the larger utensils. Is that the point of the bigger and bigger MacMansions? More space for bigger stuff? Because it can't be for bigger families; families living together are smaller nowadays. Old parents and unmarried aunties and uncles are shipping off to retirement housing with rooms directly proportional to their retirement income, so these larger family homes simply provide more living space for fewer occupants. This allows each younger person living en famille to be more On a more positive note, my favorite line from this visit was spoken by Pippi Bluestocking, my beloved Florida daughter-in-law, introducing me again to Little Bear, my beloved 19-month-old Florida granddaughter:
Little Bear, this is your Savta. Remember her? She lives inside the computer. We let her out to visit you for the weekend.Happy Purim, everyone!
Monday, March 13, 2006
Wafa Sultan
I wonder whether America today can keep this woman safe? We may have to offer her the witness protection program in Israel. To my ears, her rhetoric sounds exactly like that of an extremist Muslim cleric inciting violence. Then I read the English subtitles, and I thought it was a Purim Spiel (parody). Yael thinks Wafa Sultan has a death wish. The video is 5 1/2 minutes long: what do you think?
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Jet Lag
That person in the mirror looks the same as two weeks ago, but I wouldn't be the least surprised if I turned around and and around again and suddenly she had fine straight hair and green eyes and a flat chest and she was still me.
The thoughts in my head seem familiar, but then they flicker with brief flashes of scenes from the trip. I think I'm playing too many different tracks at the same time.
I sleep at night, mostly, but still there are intervals during the day when I feel zonked, as if I were having a bad reaction to some weird drug.
My friends tell me I look like I had a good time. In a few more days I will agree.
The thoughts in my head seem familiar, but then they flicker with brief flashes of scenes from the trip. I think I'm playing too many different tracks at the same time.
I sleep at night, mostly, but still there are intervals during the day when I feel zonked, as if I were having a bad reaction to some weird drug.
My friends tell me I look like I had a good time. In a few more days I will agree.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
A Most Productive Week
I never got to post during my whirlwind trip to the USA, and here's why:
1. Three consecutive Birthday celebration meals with my brother (one per day). Photo below of the impressive triple-decker deli sandwich and the birthday boy who finished it, and then had cake! [Somebody please tell me how to get the photo into this post! For the time being, it's published separately, below.]
2. Two consecutive days of trying to console increasingly feverish 19-month-old granddaughter and her parents, followed by a conclusive visit to the pediatrician. Diagnosis? Ear infection. Treatment? Antibiotics and ear-pain-numbing potion. Photo shows said child just before the bug hit.
3. An astonishing conversation with a newly-discovered FIRST COUSIN (-half)! Lucky for me, he's an amateur genealogist who knows how to use the Internet in the service of family unification. We met by phone, e-mail, and flickr, all on my brother's very birthday. We have a savta in common.
1. Three consecutive Birthday celebration meals with my brother (one per day). Photo below of the impressive triple-decker deli sandwich and the birthday boy who finished it, and then had cake! [Somebody please tell me how to get the photo into this post! For the time being, it's published separately, below.]
2. Two consecutive days of trying to console increasingly feverish 19-month-old granddaughter and her parents, followed by a conclusive visit to the pediatrician. Diagnosis? Ear infection. Treatment? Antibiotics and ear-pain-numbing potion. Photo shows said child just before the bug hit.
3. An astonishing conversation with a newly-discovered FIRST COUSIN (-half)! Lucky for me, he's an amateur genealogist who knows how to use the Internet in the service of family unification. We met by phone, e-mail, and flickr, all on my brother's very birthday. We have a savta in common.
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